Monday blues (manditory meeting)

Hello, my name is Megan, and I have yet to decide whether it is me, or the day of the week.

I cannot figure this out. I have found myself in a slump of slumps, and yet I never saw it coming. You know how one day you wake up, and it just all feels wrong? All of something, or all of everything? In my case, it is all of something. If you combine my self-sorrows with the ones Luke is putting on his shoulders, we are a couple of really slouchy people. It is strange that we are in it together; usually we feel sorry for ourselves in staggered time frames.. Back to my whining, I swear it makes me feel better. I am just wondering to myself... where is my life taking me? Why do I work the job I work, and why should I continue? How could I change? Luke is of course pondering his position as well. We are both in the wrong places for the wrong reasons. Then of course, we could begin the discussion of this old house that we live in. Why did we buy this place? How can we sell it? The house is it's own worst enemy, and ours, it's as if we've used it to inflict pain on ourselves (accidentally, of course!). Nothing is quite what it seems (or seemed). So here we are, slumped. Both of us in a rut about work, and one of us in a rut under this old house. The dirty work is mine, and the renovations belong to Luke (for the most part), only because life, and our schedules require it to be this way. So I am pondering the possibilities, as the opportunities seem so gray. So normal, and expected. I can't just knock on the door of "I don't work" and ask for my current salary, but OH MAN... I would if I could. I can't lead a career in illegality, although it'd probably pay better. We were discussing this notion the other day. It is understandable that one may head down a road of illegal activities, or none at all. Look at how much money you can make (not being caught) and how much you freedom... Aside from the obvious fact that YOU GONNA GIT BUSTED... I mean, who wants to spend 40+ hours every week working for someone who works less, and makes significantly WAY MORE MONEY?? No one. Who wants to sit around doing nothing though? Where would you find pride? Nowhere. We must remain at the surface of the system, and catch fresh air the only way one can... but struggling to stay on top of it all.. So here we are, trying to come up with ideas, and ways to find or create opportunity. The next problem, is that we both can make a move at the same time; life is hard enough without throwing off the balance of our little checkerboard. Tick-tock, fill your mouth with a sock, as life is going right by.

What is the value of the time I have spent typing? I should be studying. I have this tremendous pressure, straight from hell, I tell you...my college days were supposed to be over. I am a grown woman. Now, I have family members that may try to argue this, but I promise you: I pay my own bills, I reap what I sow, and I stumble over my own roadblocks. Is it karma?... after all those rebellious years of saying that I could do it myself, better, and differently.. I find myself unable to find the discipline to do things that are amazingly easy. Like sitting on my derriere to study! I feel like a child, I need someone to monitor me, check my progress, and write me a pink slip for missing study hall. I'll never get anywhere without discipline, and see, I just typed that, so you know that I know that it's true.

I cannot for the life of me figure out how I can discipline myself to exercise, budget better, and how to do the things that inevitably SUCK, but must be done. No wonder this world is crazy. The ranting and raving may do nothing except churn my mind; if so, well, I'm a step ahead of the place I was stuck two mental twitches ago, now aren't I? To-do list tid-bit time: I have a sewing machine that my mother found for me a few, yes a few years ago, and I just purchased the instruction manual on EBay (a month or so ago). I have a fabulous Grandmother that I love very much, that would very much love to help me learn this art of sewing. I have already admitted the truth, earlier, that I lack discipline. So I cannot find it in me to take up this long ago thought-up hobby; I find guilt. I must do this for the house, do this for work, that for someone else.. no time for me. Wah, wah, wah.. The good part, is those things for 'someone else' are at quite rewarding. Good for the soul. Oh, woe is me, with all my Pilates and TaeBo DVDs, and other significant equipment gathering dust. There is no time, I am TOO BUSY WHINING! Forget those to-do's that are fading off of my list, instead of being crossed off.. back to the original challenge. How can I feel good about work? I need a job that I love. I always say I love my job, and it is a great job. The problem, is that for what I want in life, it is a dead end, unless I change my mind. The industry has lost its glamour and shine, and the money certainly isn't better than livable, and the array of opportunities bore me half to death. Although, I am in a much better predicament than my Luke, who works for his family. He always has worked for the family. How does a person walk away from their family, when you know it changes everything? How much they need you? There is no replacement for him, however, one is much needed. His days working his job are certainly numbered, I see it in his eyes all the time now. All of this blahogging has made my mind start moving, like the clock. I've got to hit the books. SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE ADULTS IN THE WORLD. It's a tough job, and I don't think anyone should have to do it. I say we all hunt nuts and berries, carry clubs, and die at 30, as the oldest hide-wearing, toothless, uneducated person in the tribe. Humphf.